The 10 rules of media email etiquette

Hello media land, happy Monday.  Sorry for the absence the last couple of weeks.  A combination of writers block, effective anger management coaching and a number of pitches has got in the way.

I’ve had a couple of jibes lately that my blogs are basically a load of lists.  Funny lists. But lists never the less.  I thought I would set that right with my….

10 rules of media email etiquette (are rules different to lists Vokesy?)

1. Don’t use “hey” as a greeting to any client. Try and keep it a little bit professional.  Hi and Hello are valid salutations. If they are not nice clients dispense with the pleasantries all together and get on with it.  If you have any kind of previous with the email recipient “Hello Sweet tits” is acceptable.

2. Smiley faces of any kind are not allowed. Grow up. That’s what BBM is for no?  :)  Smiley faces with noses are punishable by death.  Choose life.

3. Don’t mess with the formatting.  Getting an email from you in pink comic sans doesn’t make me think you are creative. It makes me think you are stupid.  Is it me or do finance people seem to be the worst offenders here? Keep it real, keep it Arial 11.

4. Street language of any type in email is deplorable. Especially if you are a 40 year old bloke from Richmond – ya get me blud.

5. Don’t say it in 4 paragraphs if you can say it in 4 lines.  People won’t read down past the 1st paragraph anyway.

6.  Follow the 3 drink rule. If you have had 3 of anything it can wait until the next day.  Unless you are a TV buyer which means you wouldn’t send emails in the afternoon at all – get your mates to check them for you.

7. Keep it locked. Trip to the toilet – lock it. Trip to the stationary cupboard – lock it.  Do you blink more than twice a minute – lock it.  It only takes a second for some little scrote to “all staff” everyone your undying love for the new bird in TV.

8. The ! button. If you work at Sellafield and you need to send a note to your controller that they need to release the pressure in tank 3 to avert a second Chernobyl, you can add a ! sign.  If you work in media and need to chase up some booking confirmations leave it off.

9. I’ve come to realise if someone sends you a 20 paragraph rate proposal, crafted incredibly well with lots of thought and hyperbole, a one word “No” is not really a sufficient answer.

10. If I work within a 3 minute walk from you don’t email me. Pick up the phone. Or better still come and see me. In the worst cases turn your head 90 degree and talk to me. Please don’t add to an inbox more clogged than my arteries.

So, there they are – in fairness I could have gone on to 20 – but that might have to be a reserve blog should the writers block return.  Right I’m off to deal with my inbox now.

More of this?  I try and be as funny on twitter – follow me @mullinsarama